When I sit with my friends over coffee, movie or a brunch and somehow the conversations slip into the prime time spent at the high school! Amongst those invigorating, oozing happiness and a pinch of pride
“I DID THEATRE!”
“ I DID MUSIC!”
“LOST THE COUNT of those accolades in my room cabinet ”! ,its usually pretty quiet on my end. Not because I didn’t attend a school but because I didn’t live my school life! Sounds weird, right? Lol! Who the fuck doesn’t “LIVE” a life? Aren’t we all living!! [ shockingly enough,no! not all of us!! Atleast not at all times! I could ramble on, but that’s another talk! Another utter! Some other time!]
Just for those of you thinking that this is one of those self-victimizing monologues or those mop to top epilogues or maybe some kind of “a personal fairytale” , let me just clear the air right at the very start point! YES!,This is a story!, a story that could be yours! a story that you could be a part of!A story that you could call your own!
Once upon a time (just to give you the feel :P) there was a girl (for the reaaaalllyy dumb ones-it’s me, no offence though). Never been the first bencher, the teacher’s pet, that one student everybody asked at the Result desk, “hey! How much did you score?” Not the super-skinny, never had that fuller pout[unless, I tried to attempt one,which would make me look like a detestable pig] and certainly not the very proud-of, subservient and dutiful daughter of my parents[atleast then :P].
A total dork [weirdly enough, a name I did not mind to be called by :P] to say the least, but that wasn’t who I was! I knew it! what everybody thought could not bother me any less! But maybe I was too far away at the time to do anything about it! I was locked up in a chamber with an air of uncertainty, introversion and a peculiar lack of will to do anything special! To make myself feel special! Or I’d rather put it like to make myself feel anything at all! It was like I had enwrapped myself with apprehension, shyness, hesitation and a typical comfiture that I found with nobody else but me.
shy yet aggressive! Caring yet condescending at times! Smart [even to my surprise] yet fucking dumb at heart! An aspirer yet the lost kid! And before some of you jump to conclusions umm, no I was also not the notoriously talked about, popular and alltheboys-know-my-name girl!
Bewildered? Just you wait!
And yes! There were moments of time in my life which were characterized by what’s considered the most contemptible for a teenager to feel, was my acute sense of self-loathing [I wonder if it’s still somewhere deep,deep,deeeep,deeeeeeeeeeeepppp down]which was more like ubiquitous [and before any of you give out that poignancy following aawwwwwww…which I fucking despise by the way]. One such time was when I gave those billion entrance examinations [bombed all of them! :P,still can’t figure out why I opted for engineering as a career for life]. Knowing that I was at the beck and call of my +2 results, I successfully, triumphantly fucking bombed them too![not that I’m explaining, maybe I am, I really don’t know but I seriously doubt the evaluation procedures and structure of this examination system, hence I tend to call it a fully automated, authorized machine for awarding and certifying hags and morons]
So Who was i? this question came to me as a transformation from a child to an adolescent, flung at me like a new pursuit of my teenage life, a prevailing urge to be able to define myself, identify myself from the teeming zillions! ultimately it became a pesky Percussion that sometimes and oddly enough [for majority of you reading this] to this date doesn’t even let me sleep , like now!
Today 19 and counting [I like doing that :P], I know that the so-called precious entrance attempt and that golden score on the 12th report card call is out of my reach!
Staying at a hostel, [still doing engineering though! And fuck yea I am stubborn]
I don’t know how to grapple with the circumstances I am forced by my stars to deal with[err…. Yeaa I do believe in fate!] That question .. “who am i? “ is like a 5 second rebound pounding on my brain walls everytime I hear somebody say my name! everytime I say my name! everytime I see it and everytime I breathe!
Yeah! I am the proud daughter of my parents that I love so very much, the caring and sometimes overly-protective sister of my kid brother[who btw calls me blood-sucking bat with long hair,,,,errr :/], the just another engineering student trying to work her ass off for the frigging degree, owner of a random blog you stumbled accidently on, a friend of your friend’s that you accidently met, just another face behind the gazillion faces in the crowd trying to outline it’s own shadow amongst the perplexing people around and trying to come to grip with the all the more baffling mysteries of life!
Which leaves me to think that is this who I am? Is my identity nothing but a string of reflections and relative to identities of people who complete me??
This is the time when I start to ensconce my interests into areas as natural and hobby-like as blogging, poetry and mun-ing, as out there as preparing for IS examination while writing zillions of lines of code in java, as dreamy and self-gratifying as trying to search for photographers for a portfolio to apply for miss delhi auditions and as altruistic and soul liberating such as working for NGOs [even when I know that it’s ceritifcate is as good to me as that one extra pencil I used to keep in my pencilbox but could never use it] And as exhaustive sounding and too-much-on-the plate as pursuing BA(hons) English from IGNOU while coping with the gazillion coaching institutes I have joined because engineering aint a piece of cake :/
Not everybody knows I’m onto soo much. That concerned look on my mom’s face when she sees me skipping meals to do justice to my schedules and when dad watches me come home sometimes after 11:00 pm and yet doesn’t say anything except that hand stroke on my head as if saying that I am proud of you or when my boy[my kid brother] doesn’t ask me twice to play another game of UNO because he feels I too have homework like him to do except that nobody would do it for me like I do for him. That sigh in my friend’s voice when we meet for drinks as if trying to comfort my enthusiasm that you can just relax for now! You have your whole life ahead of you to do all this on by one, you’re only 19!
But I can’t stop no matter what! I can’t wait for anybody! I can’t turn around to look at the mistakes I have made in past! The not knowing of who am i? is killing me!
It’s like a crusading attempt in the hope that I might discover myself somewhere in the middle amid this. And no I don’t have any guarantee, whatsoever, as to if I will be able to do it or not. But it’s a try! It’s a hope!
I want an answer! An answer is all I want! Not so I can notify it to anybody but so that I can tell that little-perennial-nagging voice at the back of my head that this is who I am and this is what defines me.
I have now come to terms with my life- that’s allright! You got me this time! Some of the choices I made, be it due to lack of knowledge, enthusiasm, luck , whatever! Have brought me where I am. And still can take me to the places I wish to be! My choices! Me! Its all here! And with whatever is thrown at me I will make the best of it and I will know who I am! My choices that I now make will compose me who I want to be and who I should be or who I am!
The panorama of my aim and my dreams tires my mind aside from giving me the immense power to fight back literally anything, the audacity to laugh off the sardonic play of fate [ god I can’t begin to tell how much my stars love to hate me :P] , the out-look to recognize and cherish those miniscule glitter bits in this heap of sand and the intractable will to write my story with my own hand.
I know it is going to be tough[ to say the least!] and I know there will be people and circumstances that will have the potential to throw me off my stance but I also know it’s not just any other quest! It’s a quest to know who I am!