Blast from the past

Recently at a mall amidst the crusading stores and showrooms with high end clothes on display almost ready to be thrown out [ also called SEASON SALE!] ,its also my favourite time of the season,I get to finally buy what I have been gasping and drooling over online. I was alone this time , my shopping buddy also my childhood friend was not with me this time to control me or to guide me on what to buy or maybe to partner in crime with me for something ridiculously overly priced yet irresistible  :P :P :P :P :P ,, I hopped around the corner only to gasp and sigh at a beautiful white leopard print short dress, it was out on the display at a central hodge. I quickly materialized into the store to take a closer look at it, I was examining how deliciously beautiful the cloth was, how artistically stunning it would look on a tall and skinny girl and how I had a lot of animal prints but never a white leopard. While I was asking the store girl its price a boy came hurridly over to her side and looking at me said “mam,its sold”. Now this is what annoyed me :-/ , here I was about to get a luxuriously gorgeous dress for myself without burning a hole in my packet and someone comes n tells me its sold! I frowned and asked , well then why have you hung it out on display? He immediately replied “ actually its buyer is trying something on in the changing room and she had booked it as soon as she saw it” , I had nothing more to say , I just frowned a bit more and turned around to leave the store,just when I thought maybe I should take a look at the buyer, atleast I could console myself if she was not pretty enough to wear that dress, [its something a lot of girls do , they  just don’t admit it ;P ] .

Examining the range of flowy tops they had I was full of anticipation.

When it did finally come down to blow out in my face!

I saw a very remarkably familiar face come out of that changing room. Immediately I could almost feel my brain jabbering where I had seen that girl and getting caught between the labyrinth of profiles of people who I had met in an effort to match out who she was, where and if I had ever seen her.

The uncanny resemblance she had with someone very much alive in my memories sent me into a frantic overdrive for that outlandishness wasn’t due to a random reason rather I realized that I had not only seen her but known her and hell! Been the best of friends with her at one point of time in my life!

I was still , staring at her and had a million outbursts going on inside my head until I realized she was looking at me too. Taking in the fact that I was looking rather deranged staring at someone like that I decided to turn my face away, act as normally as possible and get the hell out of that store as fast as I could!

I Pirouetted through the counter, feeling her sombre and questioning grimace along with those intense eyes on me. Taking my last step out, snubbed by the counter boys and the salesgirl I had frowned at earlier, I felt myself breathing hard and my hands a little shaky [it happens to me when I get nervous or too excited] until I heard my name being called, with no intention of stopping, my legs refused to move, suddenly everything felt so heavier. I felt this weight on me, this intense binding on my will to move away, maybe the weight of memories overpowering my ever-so-smart brain. As uneasy and anxious [definitely an understatement! :/] I halted and turned to face her , the voice that was calling my name. catching up on her own breath I saw her,waving, almost running with all those bags in her hands and nearly stumbling on her heels. She stood right in front of me, slim, slender, extra high cheek bones, that big beautiful forehead looking all the more bewitching because of those triple dimples [ one on both the cheeks and a rather undersized yet charming one on her chin] I had always wished for.

Feeling her beady eyes examining me, my own body weighing down so bloody powerless, my brain in that frenzied shackle  with so many thoughts at one time, so many questions! My heart pounding on my chest , so many memories!

The first thing that came out of my mouth was “DAMN!”

With a chuckle she hugged me and almost screamed into my ears “I cant blv it is really you!”. Again that familiar hug. I don’t know about her but to me it felt exactly the same after all this time too!

I somehow managed to bring decent words out of my mouth “woow!! What were the odds!!”

Still flashing those pearly whites and adjusting her now-even-more-longer hair fringe off her face she kept those bags down. Still chuckling she said “this is weird!, I saw you at the store, for a second I didn’t realize it could be you. But then when I saw you walking out the store finally seeing all your profiles I just knew it had to be you! I came running then”

This time I could not help tittering and smiling excitedly I said you look great!

And it’s awesome seeing you here, soo what are you doing here anyway?”

After the sentence let my mouth I felt like stuffing a huge ball of gum inside my throat and sucking myself to death on it for asking a question that fucking idiotic! Sometimes I wonder could I be dumber ??!! :/ :/ :/

It’s a mall!! People fucking shop! 0_o  o_0

But maybe she was into some mental and emotional whirl seeing me there and didn’t exactly note the amount of stupidity in that question

And said “ohh you know! I was in city for my sister’s wedding and had to get the designs for the wedding dress so mom sent me to finalize her selected one’s and it doesn’t hurt to shop so I was just ,, you know “

I exclaimed “congratulations! What is she doing these days? And yeaa,, shopping never killed anyone!”

And we both laughed, though this time it was a forced one  [ so much for my funny ass jokes :/]

A few converstions followed about her brother’s fall out with the rest of the family , her sisters cancer and now wedding bells[I was extremely happy for her for the wonderful girl her sister was], her fashion course nift-mumbai and her fathers posting in guwahati.

Just in case for all of you wondering why the awkwardness, well I had known this girl since I entered my teens! Met at a coaching institute , been  homework stealing crime partners, aced and flunked together, bunked together, hung out and sometimes even lied together only to become the best of friends, the kind people only read about in books! [now when I think of it, it was almost a fairytale, except that in my version there were friends in place of that charming prince :P ]

A bond that now almost felt too good to be true! We were more than just friends , atleast to me!!!! She was family! She was the sister I never had to the soulmate I will always have by my side, atleast that’s what I thought!

Speaking of what now seems to be a long gone memory and a very crude awakening, for her was a sought of decision infact it was more like a verdict of who she thought was more worthy of her friendship. And ofcourse it wasn’t me :P

This thought, this stark reality used to kill me at one time and had almost emotionally disrupted my capability of indulging in any sort of thought process. Though I was very much aware that for her it was what I like to call was a misplaced sense of belonging. Influx of [excuse my language] a typical selfish, backstabbing slutfaced ho-bag hag bitch from hell acting as sugary and goo goo eyed as a fucking candy! A guy who had seemingly charmed her out of her fucking brains! So much so that she lost knowledge of who had stuck with her through her shitty relationships [not that I ever wish to boast or even dare to demand for returning of my favour]. A guy and a girl who we used to mock at one time , turned the tables!

A few rumours, a few misunderstandings and span of few days of not looking at each other’s faces resulted in the usual [I allow myself a girl cliché] cold shouldering, bitching and the elbowing away from the circle of friends. Though I am pretty sure that none of us had the slightest of idea that it would result into a standstill! A dead end of a deeply rooted communion! Makes me wonder what pinnacles of power silence scores! stepping out of the coaching institute I would go with them, 12th board examinations, entrance examinations [aaah,,, the life of a science student L ], college admissions, massive switch over to hostel life, meeting new interesting people, events, experiences Things followed one after the other. Contributing to The nursing of emotional impairment due to the bereavement. Things healed with time! Everything does!

That phase of my life had been dormant in some corner of my mind under some stack of a zillion memories! While I was out there making new one’s!

But meeting her again , it was like my wits were rudely roused,  screeched out of a pitch dark hole and thrown in front of a 1000 thousand harsh bright flashlights in the middle of the memory road with the billion old memories ramming, thrashing and  trouncing it back and forth! And trust me this doesn’t even begin to explain what I was experiencing at the moment!

As happy I was to see her even I didn’t know that the urge to ask her the same questions was still as alive and impounding as it was back then!

Clarification! Let me give you guys a heads-up! From what I have seen, learnt and inferred in whatever life has thrown to me and whatever logic my brain has doled out for me I firmly believe, The moment you begin to feel the need for explanations! Or so called clarifications! Then take the hint that either the relation has come of age or this just isn’t meant to be! And taking advises is always better! None can put it as straight, crystal and direct than George Clooney “I stereotype, its faster” [up in the air!-that was one hell of a film]

Maybe obsessing over a few friends is a passé for majority of the people but I ain’t of that tenet and fail to colour myself with the same shade! Very few people have been able to burst that bubble of worldly formalities and enter my life as I know it, these people have then become my family, not just friends but so much more than that!

While talking we had started walking by now, seeing mocha’s I interrupted asking her in for a frappe!

We took our seats, while I was telling her about how crappy the situation of jobs was in case of it freshers! When I noticed how sallow her complexion was! While we then had our frappes and talked about a mutual friend who was in her college I got reminded of how ill he had spoken of her , calling her all sorts of names and claiming how insipid and a girl with no character she was.

I had scowled and rebuffed him from talking such things with me but it was still hard to forget what I had already heard!

I asked her about her life at Mumbai! And with her extra cautious talking and her perennial tight lipping she hinted unknowingly to the validation of what I had heard! That’s right! Now a pot head! And a biggie on the getting high business.

But not that this ever bothered me! I just don’t expect people to hide it

Out of topics to talk about! We both were grasping at straws now. She further said “soo,,,, you seem taller” and we both chuckled, which then ended in her saying “what had happened”

I paused, putting my glass down, I looked at her puzzled a bit, I asked what?

“us!, what had happened? Do you remember any of it? because I don’t! “

In a grave contortion I looked down on the table and I said “even I don’t!” [ofcourse I remember! How could I forget what a bitch she had turned into]

“infact I have been trying to think so hard why it happened but no instance comes to my mind, it’s so blank”

I studying her face said “well it was an immature age! Stuff happens”

She replied saying “yeaa I guess!, though you should not have drifted apart”

Drifted apart!! DRIFTED APART!!! WAS SHE FUCKING KIDDING ME?? I drifted apart! Now I felt like throwing my glass at her face and giving her a reality check of the fact that she and the other bitch had got me rather elbowed out of the group to such an extent that I did know how to travel alone and they knowing it very well told me in clear words to help myself on this with no fault of mine! And it resulted in my leaving out on 3 months of coaching] and now she sits there after all this time and says to my face that I DRIFTED APART! Wowwww!!!!  so much for the fucking reunion!

I could not help but replied curtly “and you should have not turned into the desperate ho you did “ [not an oops moment Just so you know]

A silence of 2 minutes followed, we both looking anywhere except each other ,  she replied “he was a good friend , that’s it,”

There was soo much anger in me! So much going on in my head I could barely get it all out of my mouth, the pressure was overpowering my manners, etiquettes, senses and I wanted to blurt everything out ! scream! Cry! Abuse her for how she left me like that and ruined our bond for what?? A guy and that payal chick she never liked!

I wanted to cry! And tell her how much I missed her! I wanted to tell her how good it was having her back in city! So many mixed emotions! So much to say ! so much!

I ended up scowling “ hah! Friend! Yea right! Is that what you call them these days! And wow wasn’t he in a relationship with payal[name changed] , your favourite object of bitching turned into your best friend”

I said it so brazenly and tersely she was looking at me and so were the people sitting on our neighbour tables,

Couldn’t give a fuck less I had lost my nerve and challengingly I asked “what?? No answer?”

She with the same aggression said “I am not the only one answerable missy! You left us too! Don’t you sit there and try to tell me you were simply victimized and I was the bad guy! It takes two to tango! TWO!”

Before she could finish what she was talking about I could not help but gritting through my teeth and hating her gut I spoke as uncouthly as I could “atleast I did not go sell my principles and fake around friendship with half ass people, still a better person than you!! And very well that you became friends with payal! How is she now? Having fun nowadays! Best fucking friends forever“

She came back to me brusquely “yea great friends! infact I hardly talk to her besides facebook chats and if it makes you feel any better she had got caught with him and in an attempt to save her ass from her parents she took my name , laying all the blame on me! It got so ugly that her parents had called mine! And I have been through hell and back because of that one lie of hers”

I was taken aback! Knowing her family background it didn’t bear thinking about how much she must have been through! Her parents, friends and sister in that condition back in the day! I was thrown away! Even with all her faults I could not help but feel “damn me! Why wasn’t I there for her! I could have atleast texted her once! ONCE! For all those billion texts we would send each other I could not care for one more!! [I admit it , I felt a tad bit good too and like “I told ya so” ]

She questioned “happy now?? You can scoff at me as much as you want, call me dumb! Call me stupid! Say I got what I deserved! And yea you are so  right! You are a better person, you made your life! Congratulations! “

I said as buzzed off as I was “I am sorry! I did not know! But I will say I told ya so and by the way her not being in touch with you , il say its her loss”

She, now crying, said sheepishly “I don’t know! I just don’t know! It all happened so fast! So many things , unspoken, I cant get over the fact that I, of all people I did not try to talk to you for such small things”

Knowing the hag bitch was out my anger came down to nil and I Consoling her said “its allright! Remember it takes two to tango! I too did not try to settle it out with you, infact that’s one thing I regret a lot and I’m sorry I did not mean it that way”

Walking up to the ladies room she washed her face and reapplying her gloss she said “ you know tashu! [ a name these guys used to call me ] , guilt is a bully! And had it not been for what happened I would have not known what our friendship meant to me”

This warmed me so much! And after so much, all this time , all this while, all that had happened and gone, I said “ for what its worth, having back what you lose is a thing that happens to very few!”

Both hungry and then had been laughing at a ridiculous movie trailer when she asked “so how is life? You seem so different!”

I did not pay much thought to it I randomly replied “oh you know, so much stuff going on, hostel and all! I guess maturity came over ! chuckling I said :you remebr the time I used to hold your hand while crossing roads and how I would create a fuss of being in your team while we played badminton. And look at me now, It’s habitual for me to do things drawing on my own strengths

Travelling 400 kms every week! From hostel to home! Ghosh! Life is so weird!

I was talking about all that had been happening, when I felt her looking at me and I knew that look!

Until then I had not realized how much I had grown, how many new people had entered my life, how much I had learnt from new experiences, the amount of exposure I had been through and how different a person I was now!

Extensive friend circuits , new bffs, life had changed

That was the point I thought that nothing is forever! You never know who walks into your life and who stays with you or who you might lose! It is a constantly changing Epilogue.

I found her to be too stuck in that point of time! Maybe she had not been able to let go of what had happened!

She had not been able to grow out of it!

I felt very sorry for her! Very much!

She uttered what sounded very weird to me “I could not find a friend like you! I met so many people, all the same! But I could not find a person to take your place, strange fact is the place is stil very much there”

I could not say much because this had left me speechless and I ended saying “ohh that’s sweet! I love how you still cherish the bond we had! But you know, you’ll meet god knows how many people ahead in your life so don’t worry! You’ll meet better one’s! wait for the right time! “

She and I both knew that this was not the answer she was expecting infact she and I both knew what I should have said, I should have told her that I was still the friend I had once been and I was all back to fill that void again , but I could not cuz this was not true

As sad as it felt , life is soo funny! We meet people at different stages and different points in our life , and it’s so unfair , how we evolve, progress and advance, become completely something else. Now I was something else!

The bffs of one time remain bffs 10 years later! Highly unlikely![ a few lucky ones I’d say]

Priorities change, circumstances change, ideology changes people  change and time changes!

Who we once knew in and out surprises us now!

Its life! Change is life!

Nothing is forever! Not time! Not happiness! Not gloom! Not luck! And not relationships!

Until and uptill now i have been broadly philosophical about it but sooner or later we all ought to realize it

I felt an uneasiness , maybe I was revealing too much , considering the sensitivity of the situation the conversations were too out there.

It broke out with her asking me for the movie whose trailer we had been laughing about. It was late, my phone was bursting with texts and calls from a friend I had to meet in an hour! As much as I wanted to I could not stay!

She said “there’s the baskin robbins and we’ll buy your favourite bubble gum flavour ice-cream, just like old times”

Just like old times! Sounded tempting but somehow I knew that was not the place I had to be at the time!call it my sixth sense, but as intuitive as I am I somehow managed to say “i..i cant.. I got someplace to be at in an hour”

“Sorry! Maybe some other time!”

She did not say much, she nodded and said “yea sure, why not! Another 20 days of summer vacations left! Why the hell not! “

Smiling , and reminding each other of the inside jokes we used to laugh our asses out at! We reached the gate of the mall!

Hugging one more time! She said “got your number, now let the calls begin,,”

Laughing I turned around and said “keep in touch! “

In blue funk, I did not turn ,and got in the car , maybe so did she!

KEEP IN TOUCH!! Keep in touch!! Wow!  Formalities!

The replay of this episode took place in my mind a billion times! Left an impact intense enough for me to pour it down on my blog because I did not know who to share it with!

I don’t know how often we will meet, probably a lot! Things like facebook, gtalk, whatsapp and bbm its hard to get disconnected with people you know! But, somewhere deep I doubt if I will be able to be the girl I used to be for her or wil she be able to be the one I can get up, close and personal with , now, the person that I had become!

Even if you try to join a broken thread back it leaves a clot! And true that! This clot will always be there! The memories of the time we had been together , what we had meant to each other won’t allow us to be just casual friends now!

It’s sad but true! Life is funny! But I hope I am always there for her whenever she needs me, considering it as a silent ode to the bond we once had! A toast to the memories we created together, that will stay with us forever till time! A regard for the love we had! And let’s just say for old time’s sake!