yay!!! i am 20!

YES, i know we are perverted :D

Here it goes
akanksha , you, I know since I entered my middle school

Through those hush hush crushes, first notes, board exams books and to the very first boyfriends we have evolved to this stage
through all those up and downs
those kiddish fights to that one day which brought us to a standstill
and we moved apart, never to return back
but we did
somehow, and maybe this time for eternity 

you have always been there by my side, my happy times and those gloomy times
the bitching, the clandestine affairs, those vivid chapters of friendship, the blissful times
those slightly teary moments and finally the bond , it nly got stronger
and now you, yet again, make me feel on top of the world <3
my 20^th budday <3

Thankyou
luk at it carefully, its not just another thankyou
its frm the heart!, frm the very core
I love you, forever
-your DODO bestie <3

this one is specially , for our best pair of heels <3

happy birthday rashi

Clandestine affairs form to be my communiqué

Remission of worldly predicaments and precarious relations

To a vacuum of affection and care, you bring to me

Paraphernalia, you create to bring me to the aplomb of friendship

Consummate in the art of loving me as if you were made exclusively for me

You truce the storms and battle of the emotions in my heart

This is a bond we share!

This is sacrosanct

This is forever!

Ignominy of defeat you would shield my senses from

You beguile the innocence in me to a world of lovable fantasy

Ubiquitous aura of care you would emit to me

Contravening the law of world “let the child learn”

From bruised knees to bruised hearts you would bear of my share

 you never let the peril get to me

This is a bond we share!

This is sacrosanct

This is forever!

You nonplus my sense of adulthood

To swing me into a labyrinth of myriad emotions

I won’t raise the white flag to the world

My conscience is stalwart because you are in me

Affirming my conjecture that I will win the world

and you emancipate my worldly liabilities

This is a bond we share!

This is sacrosanct

This is forever!

Admonishing the Forlorn inflicted on me

You bring to me the effusive inspiration when I blench into sombre chapters

And you are the investor of the benefaction for my strength in the perilous relay of life

How you ease my impetuosity and feign on me lessons I need to learn

Prevaricating those flattering allusions society airs around me

Circuitously, you ease my internal critic without even me realizing

This is a bond we share!

This is sacrosanct

This is forever!

If my life was a book, you would be the writer

Because I know for one, you are the reason I can believe

The belief in a perfect life is not a fallacy when I know you are there

 My dreams make way to a new world devoid of vexation or chagrin

For the sole reason of you being the soul that puts the spell on my trance

World may come and go around, but this road is forever to stay

This is a bond we share!

This is sacrosanct

This is forever!

She, a girl I knew

She,  whose  hair  was  always  messed  up,  not  that  anybody  noticed

She, whose voice echoed integrity, not that she was always heard

She, whose covetousness never turned into envy, not that she didn’t yearn

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She who loved for the sake of love and not customs, not that she was always reciprocated

She whose charm seemed unfathomable, not that she appealed to everyone

She whose skin was as fresh as the morning dew, not that she flaunted it

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She whose eyes were soulful and said too much, not that they were always looked into

She whose heartbeat was a rhythm of love, not that anybody knew of it

She whose life was no dream; like a fairytale, not that she won’t dream it to be one

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She, whose face had an aura that could mesmerize, not that anybody realized it

She, whose dance felt an exemption of all liabilities, not that there was any observer

She, whose words left an impact to last for eternity, not that she took to the podium

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She whose nails aren’t the perfect to look at, not that it stops her from lending a hand to anyone who needs

She whose presence feels like a pinnacle of fortune to me, not that luck favours her much

She whose touch makes me feel loved, not that I am always there for her

 She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She who patiently observes and spots right on, not that she would ever proclaim

She who has been through a lot and can relate to it, not that she would ever judge

She who secretly loves him and would freak out if he ever said hi, not that he even knows her name

She, a girl I knew , was far and away a soul too good to be true.

She who dreams a continuum of fairytales, not that she doesn’t work hard enough for it

She who could dare to but doesn’t choose to, not that she would change that for anything in the world

She who gazes at the sky in awe of the beauty of starlight, not that she is any less of a star

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true.

She, who learns for the sake of learning , not that she bags the titles always

She, who runs across the wind letting her hair get dishevelled, not that she is admired for it

She, who hears me babble all day long without a grimace, not that she is short of things to say

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She, who lives beneath the sky on this very earth with us, not that many know about it

She, who worships all but is victimized by none, not that she doesn’t think of god in every moment

She who sometimes choked in her voice whimpers in the dark time, not that she doesn’t urge to scream

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She, who sighs when they don’t understand , not that she could ever get tired of trying

She who loves when it rains down on her for the serenity it brings, not that she was tainted by any ill

She who laughs carelessly without a care, not that everybody admires this about her

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a soul too good to be true!

She who lullabies me from my pain into a world of happiness, not that she has any less to cry about

She, who lies for my smile out of love for me, not that she could ever hide this from me

She whose goodbyes never seem so long, not that she is forever to stay

She who never seems, feels, acts perfect, not that she isn’t just imperfect perfection

She, a girl I knew, was far and away a FRIEND too good to be true! 

just around the corner

Why do I see you cry? Why do I see you numb?

Where’s that smile of yours and that chirpy voice that I love?

Is it because you don’t see me around or you feel that I am gone?

How should I tell you, how should I let you know?

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

 I am right here, just around the corner

Remember the walks we used to take embracing the rain

Remember the times we would sit by the window and listen to Mozart

Look there, the player is still there and so is the window

Put on the record and watch the rain pour

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

The genteel stroke of my hand grazing through your hair!

Oh how you would frown and that’s what I loved the most

Hands wet with tears I see you muddle your hair

Why do you cry kid? I still love this look

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

I still hear those whispers of our late hour, all night conversations

The chuckles and the sighs that reflected our concord of togetherness

Oh and how we felt it would last forever till eternity…

Look at our same old place kid, I am still there to ease your pain

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

That early morning rush when you would miss your breakfast always

My irksome nagging won’t quite change this habit,  

There is the plate, the spoon and the meal; now all you have to do is eat!

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

The fireplace for our night-time reading and that glass of white wine sitting on those arm-chairs

I can see the fireplace all dull, those books getting dusty

Take the step and light it, on the arm-chair you might see me

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

Those prints of our feet on the sand, a set of two

The gazing up above, watching the stars in that dark sky

Those reminiscent times, a memory of just us two

The beach is the same and so is the sky, take the step and look up above to the sky so high

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

I don’t like that wet pillow with tears all soaked in

Your pain is throbbing; it’s an unbearable heart-ache

And NO!! Don’t force a smile; don’t fake a laugh

Just know that I am still a part of you, living; breathing inside of you

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

I am in a meadow with heavenly diffusive serene lighting

Pure and divine, I feel like I am complete

Been robbed of all my pain and suffering I now float above the world, you see

I see you, I feel you and of-course I love you

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

I make a promise to wait for you forever till time

A belief I impart to you that we will be one again

Fight, hurt, laugh, cry and love again

Fate is too small a power to change what we share

I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

But till then I need you to know I am not to the left or to the right

Don’t look beside or up above in the stars,  

Not in that picture hung on the wall or some new avatar

I am still breathing , in your laugh, your smile , your heart

I am a part of you and you a part of me, this is reality

Because I am not gone kid, would I ever leave you a mourner?

I am right here, just around the corner

It's funny how an end is also the cause for a beginning :)

From the horse's mouth...........

When I sit with my friends over coffee, movie or a brunch and somehow the conversations slip into the prime time spent at the high school! Amongst those invigorating, oozing happiness and a pinch of pride

 “I DID THEATRE!”

“ I DID MUSIC!”

 “LOST THE COUNT of those accolades in my room cabinet ”! ,its usually pretty quiet on my end. Not because I didn’t attend a school but because I didn’t live my school life! Sounds weird, right? Lol! Who the fuck doesn’t “LIVE” a life? Aren’t we all living!!  [ shockingly enough,no! not all of us!! Atleast not at all times! I could ramble on, but that’s another talk! Another utter! Some other time!]

Just for those of you thinking that this is one of those self-victimizing monologues or those mop to top epilogues or maybe some kind of  “a personal fairytale” , let me just clear the air right at the very start point! YES!,This is a story!, a story that could be yours! a story that you could be a part of!A story that you could call your own!

Once upon a time (just to give you the feel :P) there was a girl (for the reaaaalllyy dumb ones-it’s me, no offence though). Never been the first bencher, the teacher’s pet, that one student everybody asked at the Result desk, “hey! How much did you score?” Not the super-skinny, never had that fuller pout[unless, I tried to attempt one,which would make me look like a detestable pig] and certainly not the very proud-of, subservient and dutiful daughter of my parents[atleast then :P].

A total dork [weirdly enough, a name I did not mind to be called by :P]  to say the least, but that wasn’t who I was! I knew it! what everybody thought could not bother me any less! But maybe I was too far away at the time to do anything about it! I was locked up in a chamber with an air of uncertainty, introversion and a peculiar lack of will to do anything special! To make myself feel special! Or I’d rather put it like to make myself feel anything at all! It was like I had enwrapped myself with apprehension, shyness, hesitation and a typical comfiture that I found with nobody else but me.

shy yet aggressive! Caring yet condescending at times! Smart [even to my surprise] yet fucking dumb at heart! An aspirer yet the lost kid! And before some of you jump to conclusions umm, no I was also not the notoriously talked about, popular and alltheboys-know-my-name girl!

Bewildered? Just you wait!

And yes! There were moments of time in my life which were characterized by what’s considered the most contemptible for a teenager to feel, was my acute sense of self-loathing [I wonder if it’s still somewhere deep,deep,deeeep,deeeeeeeeeeeepppp down]which was more like ubiquitous [and before any of you give out that poignancy following aawwwwwww…which I fucking despise by the way]. One such time was when I gave those billion entrance examinations [bombed all of them! :P,still can’t figure out why I opted for engineering as a career for life]. Knowing that I was at the beck and call of my +2 results, I successfully, triumphantly fucking bombed them too![not that I’m explaining, maybe I am, I really don’t know but I seriously doubt the evaluation procedures and structure of this examination system, hence I tend to call it a fully automated, authorized machine for awarding and certifying hags and morons]

So Who was i? this question came to me as a transformation from a child to an adolescent, flung at me like a new pursuit of my teenage life, a prevailing urge to be able to define myself, identify myself from the teeming zillions! ultimately it became a pesky Percussion  that sometimes and oddly enough [for majority of you reading this] to this date doesn’t even let me sleep , like now!

Today 19 and counting [I like doing that :P], I know that the so-called precious entrance attempt and that golden score on the 12^th report card call is out of my reach!

Staying at a hostel, [still doing engineering though! And fuck yea I am stubborn]

I don’t know how to grapple with the circumstances I am forced by my stars to deal with[err…. Yeaa I do believe in fate!] That question .. “who am i? “ is like a 5 second rebound pounding on my brain walls everytime I hear somebody say my name! everytime I say my name! everytime I see it and everytime I breathe!

Yeah! I am the proud daughter of my parents that I love so very much, the caring and sometimes overly-protective sister of my kid brother[who btw calls me blood-sucking bat with long hair,,,,errr :/], the just another engineering student trying to work her ass off for the frigging degree, owner of a random blog you stumbled accidently on, a friend of your friend’s that you accidently met, just another face behind the gazillion faces in the crowd trying to outline it’s own shadow amongst the perplexing people around and trying to come to grip with the all the more baffling mysteries of life!

Which leaves me to think that is this who I am? Is my identity nothing but a string of reflections and relative to identities of people who complete me??

Am I just a daughter?just a sister? Just a friend? Just a  student? And in this case just a blogger?

This is the time when I start to ensconce my interests into areas as natural and hobby-like as blogging, poetry and mun-ing, as out there as preparing for IS examination while writing zillions of lines of code in java, as dreamy and self-gratifying as trying to search for photographers for a portfolio to apply for miss delhi auditions and as altruistic and soul liberating such as working for NGOs [even when I know that it’s ceritifcate is as good to me as that one extra pencil I used to keep in my pencilbox but could never use it] And as exhaustive sounding and too-much-on-the plate as pursuing BA(hons) English from IGNOU while coping with the gazillion coaching institutes I have joined because engineering aint a piece of cake :/

Not everybody knows I’m onto soo much. That concerned look on my mom’s face when she sees me skipping meals to do justice to my schedules and when dad watches me come home sometimes after 11:00 pm and yet doesn’t say anything except that hand stroke on my head as if saying that I am proud of you or when my boy[my kid brother] doesn’t ask me twice to play another game of UNO because he feels I too have homework like him to do except that nobody would do it for me like I do for him. That sigh in my friend’s voice when we meet for drinks as if trying to comfort my enthusiasm that you can just relax for now! You have your whole life ahead of you to do all this on by one, you’re only 19!

But I can’t stop no matter what! I can’t wait for anybody! I can’t turn around to look at the mistakes I have made in past! The not knowing of who am i? is killing me!

It’s like a crusading attempt in the hope that I might discover myself somewhere in the middle amid this. And no I don’t have any guarantee, whatsoever, as to if I will be able to do it or not. But it’s a try! It’s a hope!

I want an answer! An answer is all I want! Not so I can notify it to anybody but so that I can tell that little-perennial-nagging voice at the back of my head that this is who I am and this is what defines me.

Taking the responsibility of where you are strangely enough gives you the power to be exactly where you want to be. After the grappling with my luck, tackling the criticism my conscious bowled over to me to knock me down, the seizing of the thoughts that I could still do what I wish to and believing that this is what I could ever be, the endless struggle with the circumstances that challenged me to get up and fight it out till the end and the resistance I offered my wishes because they were far too unrealistic and dreamy in the hope that I am growing up and it’s part of developing that so-called maturity.

I have now come to terms with my life- that’s allright! You got me this time! Some of the choices I made, be it due to lack of knowledge, enthusiasm, luck , whatever! Have brought me where I am. And still can take me to the places I wish to be! My choices! Me! Its all here! And with whatever is thrown at me I will make the best of it and I will know who I am! My choices that I now make will compose me who I want to be and who I should be or who I am!

The panorama of my aim and my dreams tires my mind aside from giving me the immense power to fight back literally anything, the audacity to laugh off the sardonic play of fate [ god I can’t begin to tell how much my stars love to hate me :P] , the out-look to recognize and cherish those miniscule glitter bits in this heap of sand and the intractable  will to write my story with my own hand.

I know it is going to be tough[ to say the least!] and I know there will be people and circumstances that will have the potential to throw me off my stance but I also know it’s not just any other quest! It’s a quest to know who I am!

And I may not be there yet, but I’m closer to it than I was yesterday..................................