From the horse's mouth...........

When I sit with my friends over coffee, movie or a brunch and somehow the conversations slip into the prime time spent at the high school! Amongst those invigorating, oozing happiness and a pinch of pride

 “I DID THEATRE!”

“ I DID MUSIC!”

 “LOST THE COUNT of those accolades in my room cabinet ”! ,its usually pretty quiet on my end. Not because I didn’t attend a school but because I didn’t live my school life! Sounds weird, right? Lol! Who the fuck doesn’t “LIVE” a life? Aren’t we all living!!  [ shockingly enough,no! not all of us!! Atleast not at all times! I could ramble on, but that’s another talk! Another utter! Some other time!]

Just for those of you thinking that this is one of those self-victimizing monologues or those mop to top epilogues or maybe some kind of  “a personal fairytale” , let me just clear the air right at the very start point! YES!,This is a story!, a story that could be yours! a story that you could be a part of!A story that you could call your own!

Once upon a time (just to give you the feel :P) there was a girl (for the reaaaalllyy dumb ones-it’s me, no offence though). Never been the first bencher, the teacher’s pet, that one student everybody asked at the Result desk, “hey! How much did you score?” Not the super-skinny, never had that fuller pout[unless, I tried to attempt one,which would make me look like a detestable pig] and certainly not the very proud-of, subservient and dutiful daughter of my parents[atleast then :P].

A total dork [weirdly enough, a name I did not mind to be called by :P]  to say the least, but that wasn’t who I was! I knew it! what everybody thought could not bother me any less! But maybe I was too far away at the time to do anything about it! I was locked up in a chamber with an air of uncertainty, introversion and a peculiar lack of will to do anything special! To make myself feel special! Or I’d rather put it like to make myself feel anything at all! It was like I had enwrapped myself with apprehension, shyness, hesitation and a typical comfiture that I found with nobody else but me.

shy yet aggressive! Caring yet condescending at times! Smart [even to my surprise] yet fucking dumb at heart! An aspirer yet the lost kid! And before some of you jump to conclusions umm, no I was also not the notoriously talked about, popular and alltheboys-know-my-name girl!

Bewildered? Just you wait!

And yes! There were moments of time in my life which were characterized by what’s considered the most contemptible for a teenager to feel, was my acute sense of self-loathing [I wonder if it’s still somewhere deep,deep,deeeep,deeeeeeeeeeeepppp down]which was more like ubiquitous [and before any of you give out that poignancy following aawwwwwww…which I fucking despise by the way]. One such time was when I gave those billion entrance examinations [bombed all of them! :P,still can’t figure out why I opted for engineering as a career for life]. Knowing that I was at the beck and call of my +2 results, I successfully, triumphantly fucking bombed them too![not that I’m explaining, maybe I am, I really don’t know but I seriously doubt the evaluation procedures and structure of this examination system, hence I tend to call it a fully automated, authorized machine for awarding and certifying hags and morons]

So Who was i? this question came to me as a transformation from a child to an adolescent, flung at me like a new pursuit of my teenage life, a prevailing urge to be able to define myself, identify myself from the teeming zillions! ultimately it became a pesky Percussion  that sometimes and oddly enough [for majority of you reading this] to this date doesn’t even let me sleep , like now!

Today 19 and counting [I like doing that :P], I know that the so-called precious entrance attempt and that golden score on the 12^th report card call is out of my reach!

Staying at a hostel, [still doing engineering though! And fuck yea I am stubborn]

I don’t know how to grapple with the circumstances I am forced by my stars to deal with[err…. Yeaa I do believe in fate!] That question .. “who am i? “ is like a 5 second rebound pounding on my brain walls everytime I hear somebody say my name! everytime I say my name! everytime I see it and everytime I breathe!

Yeah! I am the proud daughter of my parents that I love so very much, the caring and sometimes overly-protective sister of my kid brother[who btw calls me blood-sucking bat with long hair,,,,errr :/], the just another engineering student trying to work her ass off for the frigging degree, owner of a random blog you stumbled accidently on, a friend of your friend’s that you accidently met, just another face behind the gazillion faces in the crowd trying to outline it’s own shadow amongst the perplexing people around and trying to come to grip with the all the more baffling mysteries of life!

Which leaves me to think that is this who I am? Is my identity nothing but a string of reflections and relative to identities of people who complete me??

Am I just a daughter?just a sister? Just a friend? Just a  student? And in this case just a blogger?

This is the time when I start to ensconce my interests into areas as natural and hobby-like as blogging, poetry and mun-ing, as out there as preparing for IS examination while writing zillions of lines of code in java, as dreamy and self-gratifying as trying to search for photographers for a portfolio to apply for miss delhi auditions and as altruistic and soul liberating such as working for NGOs [even when I know that it’s ceritifcate is as good to me as that one extra pencil I used to keep in my pencilbox but could never use it] And as exhaustive sounding and too-much-on-the plate as pursuing BA(hons) English from IGNOU while coping with the gazillion coaching institutes I have joined because engineering aint a piece of cake :/

Not everybody knows I’m onto soo much. That concerned look on my mom’s face when she sees me skipping meals to do justice to my schedules and when dad watches me come home sometimes after 11:00 pm and yet doesn’t say anything except that hand stroke on my head as if saying that I am proud of you or when my boy[my kid brother] doesn’t ask me twice to play another game of UNO because he feels I too have homework like him to do except that nobody would do it for me like I do for him. That sigh in my friend’s voice when we meet for drinks as if trying to comfort my enthusiasm that you can just relax for now! You have your whole life ahead of you to do all this on by one, you’re only 19!

But I can’t stop no matter what! I can’t wait for anybody! I can’t turn around to look at the mistakes I have made in past! The not knowing of who am i? is killing me!

It’s like a crusading attempt in the hope that I might discover myself somewhere in the middle amid this. And no I don’t have any guarantee, whatsoever, as to if I will be able to do it or not. But it’s a try! It’s a hope!

I want an answer! An answer is all I want! Not so I can notify it to anybody but so that I can tell that little-perennial-nagging voice at the back of my head that this is who I am and this is what defines me.

Taking the responsibility of where you are strangely enough gives you the power to be exactly where you want to be. After the grappling with my luck, tackling the criticism my conscious bowled over to me to knock me down, the seizing of the thoughts that I could still do what I wish to and believing that this is what I could ever be, the endless struggle with the circumstances that challenged me to get up and fight it out till the end and the resistance I offered my wishes because they were far too unrealistic and dreamy in the hope that I am growing up and it’s part of developing that so-called maturity.

I have now come to terms with my life- that’s allright! You got me this time! Some of the choices I made, be it due to lack of knowledge, enthusiasm, luck , whatever! Have brought me where I am. And still can take me to the places I wish to be! My choices! Me! Its all here! And with whatever is thrown at me I will make the best of it and I will know who I am! My choices that I now make will compose me who I want to be and who I should be or who I am!

The panorama of my aim and my dreams tires my mind aside from giving me the immense power to fight back literally anything, the audacity to laugh off the sardonic play of fate [ god I can’t begin to tell how much my stars love to hate me :P] , the out-look to recognize and cherish those miniscule glitter bits in this heap of sand and the intractable  will to write my story with my own hand.

I know it is going to be tough[ to say the least!] and I know there will be people and circumstances that will have the potential to throw me off my stance but I also know it’s not just any other quest! It’s a quest to know who I am!

And I may not be there yet, but I’m closer to it than I was yesterday..................................

Together we can and together we will!

“We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors; we borrow it from our children” - Chief Seattle

With every striking hand of the clock by every minute INDIA and AFRICA two outstretched, ethereally beautiful, diverse in culture, flora and fauna are by shank’s pony towards the annihilation of the very land they exist on, the severance of the mother nature that has been providing for them since forever, retreating of the very beauty they are proud of into a gloomy gospel and the decaying of the home we with immense love call our mother land. India is the second most populous country, which has about 16% of the world population and 2.4% of the land area. Africa being not only the 2nd largest continent in the World but is also a world renowned abode to an extensive diversity in terms of natural resources, wildlife, and cultural heritage among other things. The upsurge of human progress in areas of technology and communication, industry and tourism has not only set the stage for India and Africa in becoming an opening of lucrative globalization and development but has also far beyond enriched the growth of these two emerging powerful states of the world.

But as Vandana Shiva, Soil Not Oil: Environmental Justice in an Age of Climate Crisis  puts  it 

“Nature shrinks as capital grows. The growth of the market cannot solve the very crisis it creates.” 

Having said that, you and me both would agree that national progress, technological advancements and economic development come with a hefty price for the nature to pay! And distressingly enough, the current environmental statistics of the two countries pose a testament to the descendent quote.

 "Until man duplicates a blade of grass, nature can laugh at his so-called scientific knowledge”, Thomas Edison.

What scares me the most is that the world, if not welcoming, but is unquestionably acclimatizing to it! Before I formally begin to present my ideas on how these two emerging state powers can compete, collaborate and co-create the future on environmental issues I would like to clear the picture, lowering my liabilities on how to make this paper comprehensible to the common man. Knowing the severity of the question posing before appreciating the answer! The knowledge of the issue before applause to the solution! The awareness of the danger before welcoming of the Salvatore! In this scenario, the environmental issues! What are these threats that stand daunting to the nature that fosters the population of these two gigantic countries? From extensive surveying, detailed studying, conventional statistics and records, four major matters of concern rise to stand.

Climate change! There is an ongoing global temperature increase and with it the world is coming very close to a so called "climate change tipping point", a 2C global temperature increase, after which climate change should run out of control in form of frequent extreme events, floods, drought, hunger and even new diseases. What the people fail to understand is that trivializing this alteration of temperatures over this period of time is the indication of the utterly careless contravening of the man with the laws of nature and the peril it portents and may perhaps create ranging from economic to social catastrophes. But like every slight scratch can be taken care of before that “big ugly dent” emerges to view, provided if it’s noted, identified and acted upon before that “red siren” honks upon the tune of our careless endeavours, similarly this problem if not ceased to the dim at one stroke but can at least be soughed out and worked upon gradually, slightly receding away the calamity it can bring by a few units of time.

“We're in a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone’s arguing over where they're going to sit” -  David Suzuki

The Indian Council of Forestry Research and Education director general, VK Bahuguna, said that the unique Indo-African partnership can provide help to India and the African nations for tackling climate change and desertification.

At the conclusion of a two-week training programme   on Combating Desertification and Climate Change sponsored by the Ministry of External Affairs during the weekend at the Central Academy for State Forest Services (CASFoS), Bahuguna stated that the India-Africa partnership is unique and owes its origins to history and the common struggle of the two against colonialism, apartheid, poverty, disease, illiteracy and hunger.

“What we are doing to the forests of the world is but a mirror reflection of what we are doing to ourselves and to one another.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Africa has united with India to demand that future measures to mitigate climate change should take into account equity and "common but differentiated responsibilities," a move that will make the negotiation of caps on emissions of greenhouse gases tougher, though perhaps fairer to the world's poor.

The role of forests in mitigating issues like global warming, climate change and season discrepancies being witnessed by these two nations need to be elucidated to the being they ironically enough provide to and who were supposed to be its protectors but unfortunately are its very destructors. The people of these dense forest dwelling lands need to be aware of how precious these masqueraded souvenirs they have bequeathed from mother earth and how much protection and care is entailed for these natural resources in this environment threatening scenario currently.

In this context, various training programmes sponsored by the Ministry of External Affairs are being organised on numerous topics including climate change and desertification. The purpose of this course was to sensitise the participants about different aspects of desertification and climate change and the role that forests have to play in mitigation of global warming.

This was also a platform for sharing of knowledge and technical know how about opportunities available and the strategies formulated for combating the menace. This training programme was third in a series of eight such programmes to be held at the Central Academy for State Forest Service. It was attended by 28 participants including senior forest officers, academicians and scientists from 15 African countries.

This being swathed, let’s talk about the next alarming issue that could be potentially demining the environment as we know it. Deforestation is still a major environmental problem, even despite certain progress in stopping massive clearance of Amazon rainforest. The deforestation is very serious issue in many African countries as well as India. Deforestation also contributes to climate change issue- not only does burning forests release greenhouse gas emissions but also means there are less trees to absorb carbon emissions from the atmosphere. It’s like a ‘domino-effect’, one domino knocks down another and so on. One calamity triggers off another leading until the assets of nature fall altogether into a pit of despair for the mankind, as I would like to call it.

“What's the use of a fine house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?” - Henry David Thoreau, Familiar Letters

 Minimising the cutting of wood and its use as fuel can go a long way to fight global warming, and do so in an affordable way, an expert asserts. "Forest clearance and wood burning have emerged as a major cause of global warming over the last few decades. Deforestation alone contributes over 25 percent gases responsible for global warming," Michael Kleine of International Union of Forest Research Organisations (IUFRO) told IANS. The UN however estimates it contributes around 20 percent.
Kleine added: "Reduction in number of trees as a result of ignorant deforestation means that there would be fewer trees to absorb CO2 (carbon dioxide), the gas primarily responsible for global warming."  Kleine is coordinator of the special programme for developing countries (SPDC) that is sponsored by IUFRO.  Kleine was in Chandigarh (India) recently to participate in an international conference on forests. He is based in Vienna, Austria, where the headquarters of IUFRO is located. 

The rapidly developing and economically proliferating populace, along with the move in the direction of urbanization and industrialization, has sited a considerable demand on India and africa’s infrastructure and its biological reserves. Deforestation in India and extreme room-creation by extensive uprooting and deracinating of outstretched green land in Africa, together with all its other environmental effects, continues to go downhill and is encumbering trade and industry development. However, its booming and exploding metropolises are the ones causing their presently detrimental problems.

S. Appanah, national forest programme adviser to the Food and Agriculture Organisation (FAO) in the Asia-Pacific region, told IANS: "In India, wood is being consumed at an alarming rate. The quantity of wood that we burn every year for various purposes is much  higher than the quantity of wood that grows here annually." Bangkok-based Appanah added: "It's true that deforestation fulfils many requirements of the human race, but if we observe on broader perspective then there are many intense and upsetting consequences associated with it. In addition, these consequences are not only local but have many global repercussions to follow."  Rohit Ruhella, an environmentalist based here, said: "It is the high time we preserved the integrity of our ecosystem. Every aspect of environment is inter-related with forests and it has become essential to reduce deforestation to avoid devastating impacts of global warming. 

The administration has made an effort to slow down losses to its jungles and enlarge tree shelter through a sequence of plans with backing from the World Bank. It has the largest participating funds that direct to the solutions of their deforestation problems. The effective implementation of India's rules and regulations for the forests brought about a good change in their previously dilapidated jungles. Through the help of the Worldwide Bank and the sectors of environmentalists protecting the Earth, the Indian nation gave way to the possibilities that deforestation problems could really be fixed.
The deforestation in India shows the rest of the world that a switch to ecological friendly decisions can help alleviate the world's present condition. If only the rest of the countries allow such kind of help from the experts, then our deforestation problems could possibly be offset in no time.

The third problem we are mostly likely adding to our day to day environmental issues is a very popular, very talked about, evidently a very common and indeed a big environmental problem for many developing countries: Pollution, especially air and water pollution. This however does not only affect us but is also directly responsible for a huge biodiversity loss. Huge biodiversity loss is occurring everywhere in the world like a widespread pestilence to have affected our eco-system, rendering disastrous complications in our food chain and specie cycles, because animal and plant species cannot cope with so many different environmental issues and are experiencing huge decline in population, some of which are already critically endangered.

Climate change is believed to be major factor behind global biodiversity loss though there are also some other important factors contributing to this negative trend such as habitat loss and plundering.

 Kudos to India-Africa (shared future) and all similar organizations all over the world as they bear for us the campaign torch on environmental issues.

Each one of us can help by self education and also adopting good and healthy practices. It is also a need of the hour that we help raise awareness to our fellow companions about the significance of environmental issues, their dire consequences and what steps can be taken on a personal and collective level to control it.

“One person alone cannot save the planet’s biodiversity, but each individual’s effort to encourage nature’s wealth must not be underestimated.”- United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP)

The inhabitants of India and Africa together at their own levels can take to simple steps and do their bit contributing to a pleasantly surprising impact.  Measures such as Having a proper waste disposal system especially for toxic wastes, Take very good care of your pets and their wastes, Never throw, run or drain or dispose into the water, air, or land any substance in solid, liquid or gaseous form that shall cause pollution. Do not cause loud noises and unwanted sounds to avoid noise pollution. Do not litter in public places. Anti-litter campaigns can educate the populace. Industries should use fuel with lower sulphur content. Industries should monitor their air emissions regularly and take measures to ensure compliance with the prescribed emission standards. Industries should strictly follow applicable government regulations on pollution control. Organic waste should be dumped in places far from residential areas. Say a big "NO" to GMOs or genetically modified organisms. Genetically engineered crops are not only bad for the environment since they require massive amount of fungicides, pesticides, and herbicides and steps like these are sure to pave way for a better future for us.

 “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead (1901-1978) quoted in John M. RIchardson, ed. Making it Happen, 1982.

This statement is true in its very sense! Africa and India, two powerfully emerging and developing states of the world can indeed bring about a change that could revolutionize the way environment has been demented.

The focus should be two bring down these two to planning and action on the same platform to save the forests. Every year conferences should be conducted to facilitate the exchange of thoughts and ideas among these countries.

The recent and the most potent of all the environmental threats is the Electronic waste, or e-waste, consists of obsolete electrical and electronic equipment (EEE). Obsolete EEE includes computers, televisions, mobile phones, printers and white electronic goods, such as refrigerators. Although China and India were the traditional ‘dumping grounds’ for such discarded global e-waste, since 2005 several studies have exposed illegal exporting of e-waste from developed countries to African countries, and predominantly, Nigeria and Ghana.  Additional levels of domestically produced e-waste are rising across Africa as well, a result of increased electronic goods consumption stemming from, among other factors, growing rates of disposable incomes.

Simple enforcement of bans on imports and on informal e-waste recycling practices would not solve the problem, I would suggest that both should be more efficiently controlled, and that it is especially paramount to include the informal sector within decisions and resulting actions.

 This sentiment was strongly echoed in February 2011, during the Lagos State Environmental Protection Agency (LASEPA) E-waste Summit.  One of the recommendations from the summit concluded that e-waste imports should not be banned but controlled, as they provide opportunities for employment, poverty alleviation, business with recycling, and the bridge of the digital divide. The environmental and health risks associated with informal e-waste practices within Africa and India could potentially be reduced significantly through the use of improved treatment methods. For example, in specific relation to computer e-waste, modern recycling plants can recover or re-use 95% of the material, leaving only 5% as waste. As some of these recovered materials from computers and other EEE are scarce precious metals (such as gold, silver), with increasingly high demand, this could also provide revenue generation, alleviate market demand problems of these metals, etc.  Installing contemporary technology instead of relying on conventional methods, in African countries and India with high e-waste volumes could be one solution to the problem. This initiative is also one of increasing importance, considering that domestically generated e-waste in developing regions, including Africa, is expected to exceed that of developed regions within five to eight years, as per sources on internet. On the other hand, the process of (recycling) technology transfer to solve the e-waste problem in China was a failure, suggesting that a more holistic approach is needed. The question of who should bear the responsibility and the cost of installation of effective recycling technology would also have to be raised, if this solution was adopted within African countries. Another potential solution involves EEE manufacturers taking more responsibility. Firstly to reduce the levels of hazardous and toxic substances used to make EEE, and secondly for the entire life-cycle of their products, including when they become obsolete. While some ‘producer take-back schemes’ are in existence in developed countries, they are not yet of significant scale, and there is no evidence of such schemes within African countries. While manufacturers decide if, and how, they will bear more responsibility and respond to this challenge, the problem of EEE currently in production and circulation remains. For their own part, consumers of EEE must begin to bear some responsibility as well.

The domino-effect as stated above is evidently remarkable through these problems daunting our existence on this planet! Our Mother Earth could be anything but contented with the fact that the destiny of the family of beings and innumerable species it sustains lies in the hands of humans-considered to be at the highest hierarchy of the food chain and specie cycle. We were meant to be the guardians of our planet and not to end up as its very obliterators. But through forums, conferences, international campaigns we together can notify, educate, make people realize and subsequently motivate them to believe that all the power its takes to stop the environmental damage is within our hands. Especially when this effort done in coalition and alliance of nations that have shared a history of utmost slavery, revolt for freedom, economically limping to now emerging as powerful states in the global market, immense cultural and ecological diversity as well as beauty and paramount human asset. Alike in so many ways then indeed why not join hands and co-create a beautiful future for our environment and us,

"A Healthy Ecology is the Basis for a Healthy Economy", Claudine Schneider, U.S. Representative in The Green Lifestyle Handbook.

FRIENDS- a family apart from the family

 Here it goes!!!!,,, to the random, weird yet the amazingly beautiful things that happen to me once in a while!

Why is it that the same old dish I hate to eat becomes so much tastier when its you whose trying to force it down my throat :P

Why is it that the same old song I nevr add to my daily playlist comes high on my chords and I’m singing it as loudly and ridiculously as I can when it’s you whose voice I can  feel adding to mine!

Why is it that the most boring and mundane of days turn into such reminiscent memories of mine only because you are in it!

Why is it that when I’m dressed in my pyjamas and sporting the hideous of hairforms, I still can’t wait for you to show up and chat all day/night long with you!

Why is it that when i burn something in my poor unfortunate kitchen you bring the most savouring, deliciously baked cakes just so I can’t stop the celebration!

Why is it that when im lazy and lying flat on my ass knowing I aint doing shit today but you say/do something  that makes me breathe a life of freshness and I jump to my keyboard to type my feelings down like I am now :P

Why is it that I’m  trying to act composed and full of poise in the any day instances but I babble like a 3yr old, laugh like a hyena until water comes snorting out of my nose and become so reckless of what everybody might think , totally embarrassing you guys in public, and yet love doing it! :P

Why is it that when I don’t wanna talk about something you just come along, almost strangling me you force it out of my mouth , and we end up talking for hours! :P

Why is it that when I know I’ll sound like a total loser and a complete idiot yet I admit to, letting my guard down I submit to and confess the most shameful and foolish of things I end up doing :P

Why is it that evrytime I think “how the hell am I going to get through this now” you stir me up like a fucking egg beater[ I couldn’t find an adjective better suiting than this :/ ] and I know I;m ready for the world J

Why is it that when I’m just another face in the crowd you do something that makes me feel that I’m special. And just know that I am not special because I am me, but because I have a you in me

And why is it that I know that 50% of the people would probably read the first line and turn to something else, the other 45% would find it comical and immature but I know there is a 5% that can’t help smiling and know that it’s them I am talking about :* :* :* :* <3 <3 <3

With lotta love especially for you guys J

Blast from the past

Recently at a mall amidst the crusading stores and showrooms with high end clothes on display almost ready to be thrown out [ also called SEASON SALE!] ,its also my favourite time of the season,I get to finally buy what I have been gasping and drooling over online. I was alone this time , my shopping buddy also my childhood friend was not with me this time to control me or to guide me on what to buy or maybe to partner in crime with me for something ridiculously overly priced yet irresistible  :P :P :P :P :P ,, I hopped around the corner only to gasp and sigh at a beautiful white leopard print short dress, it was out on the display at a central hodge. I quickly materialized into the store to take a closer look at it, I was examining how deliciously beautiful the cloth was, how artistically stunning it would look on a tall and skinny girl and how I had a lot of animal prints but never a white leopard. While I was asking the store girl its price a boy came hurridly over to her side and looking at me said “mam,its sold”. Now this is what annoyed me :-/ , here I was about to get a luxuriously gorgeous dress for myself without burning a hole in my packet and someone comes n tells me its sold! I frowned and asked , well then why have you hung it out on display? He immediately replied “ actually its buyer is trying something on in the changing room and she had booked it as soon as she saw it” , I had nothing more to say , I just frowned a bit more and turned around to leave the store,just when I thought maybe I should take a look at the buyer, atleast I could console myself if she was not pretty enough to wear that dress, [its something a lot of girls do , they  just don’t admit it ;P ] .

Examining the range of flowy tops they had I was full of anticipation.

When it did finally come down to blow out in my face!

I saw a very remarkably familiar face come out of that changing room. Immediately I could almost feel my brain jabbering where I had seen that girl and getting caught between the labyrinth of profiles of people who I had met in an effort to match out who she was, where and if I had ever seen her.

The uncanny resemblance she had with someone very much alive in my memories sent me into a frantic overdrive for that outlandishness wasn’t due to a random reason rather I realized that I had not only seen her but known her and hell! Been the best of friends with her at one point of time in my life!

I was still , staring at her and had a million outbursts going on inside my head until I realized she was looking at me too. Taking in the fact that I was looking rather deranged staring at someone like that I decided to turn my face away, act as normally as possible and get the hell out of that store as fast as I could!

I Pirouetted through the counter, feeling her sombre and questioning grimace along with those intense eyes on me. Taking my last step out, snubbed by the counter boys and the salesgirl I had frowned at earlier, I felt myself breathing hard and my hands a little shaky [it happens to me when I get nervous or too excited] until I heard my name being called, with no intention of stopping, my legs refused to move, suddenly everything felt so heavier. I felt this weight on me, this intense binding on my will to move away, maybe the weight of memories overpowering my ever-so-smart brain. As uneasy and anxious [definitely an understatement! :/] I halted and turned to face her , the voice that was calling my name. catching up on her own breath I saw her,waving, almost running with all those bags in her hands and nearly stumbling on her heels. She stood right in front of me, slim, slender, extra high cheek bones, that big beautiful forehead looking all the more bewitching because of those triple dimples [ one on both the cheeks and a rather undersized yet charming one on her chin] I had always wished for.

Feeling her beady eyes examining me, my own body weighing down so bloody powerless, my brain in that frenzied shackle  with so many thoughts at one time, so many questions! My heart pounding on my chest , so many memories!

The first thing that came out of my mouth was “DAMN!”

With a chuckle she hugged me and almost screamed into my ears “I cant blv it is really you!”. Again that familiar hug. I don’t know about her but to me it felt exactly the same after all this time too!

I somehow managed to bring decent words out of my mouth “woow!! What were the odds!!”

Still flashing those pearly whites and adjusting her now-even-more-longer hair fringe off her face she kept those bags down. Still chuckling she said “this is weird!, I saw you at the store, for a second I didn’t realize it could be you. But then when I saw you walking out the store finally seeing all your profiles I just knew it had to be you! I came running then”

This time I could not help tittering and smiling excitedly I said you look great!

And it’s awesome seeing you here, soo what are you doing here anyway?”

After the sentence let my mouth I felt like stuffing a huge ball of gum inside my throat and sucking myself to death on it for asking a question that fucking idiotic! Sometimes I wonder could I be dumber ??!! :/ :/ :/

It’s a mall!! People fucking shop! 0_o  o_0

But maybe she was into some mental and emotional whirl seeing me there and didn’t exactly note the amount of stupidity in that question

And said “ohh you know! I was in city for my sister’s wedding and had to get the designs for the wedding dress so mom sent me to finalize her selected one’s and it doesn’t hurt to shop so I was just ,, you know “

I exclaimed “congratulations! What is she doing these days? And yeaa,, shopping never killed anyone!”

And we both laughed, though this time it was a forced one  [ so much for my funny ass jokes :/]

A few converstions followed about her brother’s fall out with the rest of the family , her sisters cancer and now wedding bells[I was extremely happy for her for the wonderful girl her sister was], her fashion course nift-mumbai and her fathers posting in guwahati.

Just in case for all of you wondering why the awkwardness, well I had known this girl since I entered my teens! Met at a coaching institute , been  homework stealing crime partners, aced and flunked together, bunked together, hung out and sometimes even lied together only to become the best of friends, the kind people only read about in books! [now when I think of it, it was almost a fairytale, except that in my version there were friends in place of that charming prince :P ]

A bond that now almost felt too good to be true! We were more than just friends , atleast to me!!!! She was family! She was the sister I never had to the soulmate I will always have by my side, atleast that’s what I thought!

Speaking of what now seems to be a long gone memory and a very crude awakening, for her was a sought of decision infact it was more like a verdict of who she thought was more worthy of her friendship. And ofcourse it wasn’t me :P

This thought, this stark reality used to kill me at one time and had almost emotionally disrupted my capability of indulging in any sort of thought process. Though I was very much aware that for her it was what I like to call was a misplaced sense of belonging. Influx of [excuse my language] a typical selfish, backstabbing slutfaced ho-bag hag bitch from hell acting as sugary and goo goo eyed as a fucking candy! A guy who had seemingly charmed her out of her fucking brains! So much so that she lost knowledge of who had stuck with her through her shitty relationships [not that I ever wish to boast or even dare to demand for returning of my favour]. A guy and a girl who we used to mock at one time , turned the tables!

A few rumours, a few misunderstandings and span of few days of not looking at each other’s faces resulted in the usual [I allow myself a girl cliché] cold shouldering, bitching and the elbowing away from the circle of friends. Though I am pretty sure that none of us had the slightest of idea that it would result into a standstill! A dead end of a deeply rooted communion! Makes me wonder what pinnacles of power silence scores! stepping out of the coaching institute I would go with them, 12th board examinations, entrance examinations [aaah,,, the life of a science student L ], college admissions, massive switch over to hostel life, meeting new interesting people, events, experiences Things followed one after the other. Contributing to The nursing of emotional impairment due to the bereavement. Things healed with time! Everything does!

That phase of my life had been dormant in some corner of my mind under some stack of a zillion memories! While I was out there making new one’s!

But meeting her again , it was like my wits were rudely roused,  screeched out of a pitch dark hole and thrown in front of a 1000 thousand harsh bright flashlights in the middle of the memory road with the billion old memories ramming, thrashing and  trouncing it back and forth! And trust me this doesn’t even begin to explain what I was experiencing at the moment!

As happy I was to see her even I didn’t know that the urge to ask her the same questions was still as alive and impounding as it was back then!

Clarification! Let me give you guys a heads-up! From what I have seen, learnt and inferred in whatever life has thrown to me and whatever logic my brain has doled out for me I firmly believe, The moment you begin to feel the need for explanations! Or so called clarifications! Then take the hint that either the relation has come of age or this just isn’t meant to be! And taking advises is always better! None can put it as straight, crystal and direct than George Clooney “I stereotype, its faster” [up in the air!-that was one hell of a film]

Maybe obsessing over a few friends is a passé for majority of the people but I ain’t of that tenet and fail to colour myself with the same shade! Very few people have been able to burst that bubble of worldly formalities and enter my life as I know it, these people have then become my family, not just friends but so much more than that!

While talking we had started walking by now, seeing mocha’s I interrupted asking her in for a frappe!

We took our seats, while I was telling her about how crappy the situation of jobs was in case of it freshers! When I noticed how sallow her complexion was! While we then had our frappes and talked about a mutual friend who was in her college I got reminded of how ill he had spoken of her , calling her all sorts of names and claiming how insipid and a girl with no character she was.

I had scowled and rebuffed him from talking such things with me but it was still hard to forget what I had already heard!

I asked her about her life at Mumbai! And with her extra cautious talking and her perennial tight lipping she hinted unknowingly to the validation of what I had heard! That’s right! Now a pot head! And a biggie on the getting high business.

But not that this ever bothered me! I just don’t expect people to hide it

Out of topics to talk about! We both were grasping at straws now. She further said “soo,,,, you seem taller” and we both chuckled, which then ended in her saying “what had happened”

I paused, putting my glass down, I looked at her puzzled a bit, I asked what?

“us!, what had happened? Do you remember any of it? because I don’t! “

In a grave contortion I looked down on the table and I said “even I don’t!” [ofcourse I remember! How could I forget what a bitch she had turned into]

“infact I have been trying to think so hard why it happened but no instance comes to my mind, it’s so blank”

I studying her face said “well it was an immature age! Stuff happens”

She replied saying “yeaa I guess!, though you should not have drifted apart”

Drifted apart!! DRIFTED APART!!! WAS SHE FUCKING KIDDING ME?? I drifted apart! Now I felt like throwing my glass at her face and giving her a reality check of the fact that she and the other bitch had got me rather elbowed out of the group to such an extent that I did know how to travel alone and they knowing it very well told me in clear words to help myself on this with no fault of mine! And it resulted in my leaving out on 3 months of coaching] and now she sits there after all this time and says to my face that I DRIFTED APART! Wowwww!!!!  so much for the fucking reunion!

I could not help but replied curtly “and you should have not turned into the desperate ho you did “ [not an oops moment Just so you know]

A silence of 2 minutes followed, we both looking anywhere except each other ,  she replied “he was a good friend , that’s it,”

There was soo much anger in me! So much going on in my head I could barely get it all out of my mouth, the pressure was overpowering my manners, etiquettes, senses and I wanted to blurt everything out ! scream! Cry! Abuse her for how she left me like that and ruined our bond for what?? A guy and that payal chick she never liked!

I wanted to cry! And tell her how much I missed her! I wanted to tell her how good it was having her back in city! So many mixed emotions! So much to say ! so much!

I ended up scowling “ hah! Friend! Yea right! Is that what you call them these days! And wow wasn’t he in a relationship with payal[name changed] , your favourite object of bitching turned into your best friend”

I said it so brazenly and tersely she was looking at me and so were the people sitting on our neighbour tables,

Couldn’t give a fuck less I had lost my nerve and challengingly I asked “what?? No answer?”

She with the same aggression said “I am not the only one answerable missy! You left us too! Don’t you sit there and try to tell me you were simply victimized and I was the bad guy! It takes two to tango! TWO!”

Before she could finish what she was talking about I could not help but gritting through my teeth and hating her gut I spoke as uncouthly as I could “atleast I did not go sell my principles and fake around friendship with half ass people, still a better person than you!! And very well that you became friends with payal! How is she now? Having fun nowadays! Best fucking friends forever“

She came back to me brusquely “yea great friends! infact I hardly talk to her besides facebook chats and if it makes you feel any better she had got caught with him and in an attempt to save her ass from her parents she took my name , laying all the blame on me! It got so ugly that her parents had called mine! And I have been through hell and back because of that one lie of hers”

I was taken aback! Knowing her family background it didn’t bear thinking about how much she must have been through! Her parents, friends and sister in that condition back in the day! I was thrown away! Even with all her faults I could not help but feel “damn me! Why wasn’t I there for her! I could have atleast texted her once! ONCE! For all those billion texts we would send each other I could not care for one more!! [I admit it , I felt a tad bit good too and like “I told ya so” ]

She questioned “happy now?? You can scoff at me as much as you want, call me dumb! Call me stupid! Say I got what I deserved! And yea you are so  right! You are a better person, you made your life! Congratulations! “

I said as buzzed off as I was “I am sorry! I did not know! But I will say I told ya so and by the way her not being in touch with you , il say its her loss”

She, now crying, said sheepishly “I don’t know! I just don’t know! It all happened so fast! So many things , unspoken, I cant get over the fact that I, of all people I did not try to talk to you for such small things”

Knowing the hag bitch was out my anger came down to nil and I Consoling her said “its allright! Remember it takes two to tango! I too did not try to settle it out with you, infact that’s one thing I regret a lot and I’m sorry I did not mean it that way”

Walking up to the ladies room she washed her face and reapplying her gloss she said “ you know tashu! [ a name these guys used to call me ] , guilt is a bully! And had it not been for what happened I would have not known what our friendship meant to me”

This warmed me so much! And after so much, all this time , all this while, all that had happened and gone, I said “ for what its worth, having back what you lose is a thing that happens to very few!”

Both hungry and then had been laughing at a ridiculous movie trailer when she asked “so how is life? You seem so different!”

I did not pay much thought to it I randomly replied “oh you know, so much stuff going on, hostel and all! I guess maturity came over ! chuckling I said :you remebr the time I used to hold your hand while crossing roads and how I would create a fuss of being in your team while we played badminton. And look at me now, It’s habitual for me to do things drawing on my own strengths

Travelling 400 kms every week! From hostel to home! Ghosh! Life is so weird!

I was talking about all that had been happening, when I felt her looking at me and I knew that look!

Until then I had not realized how much I had grown, how many new people had entered my life, how much I had learnt from new experiences, the amount of exposure I had been through and how different a person I was now!

Extensive friend circuits , new bffs, life had changed

That was the point I thought that nothing is forever! You never know who walks into your life and who stays with you or who you might lose! It is a constantly changing Epilogue.

I found her to be too stuck in that point of time! Maybe she had not been able to let go of what had happened!

She had not been able to grow out of it!

I felt very sorry for her! Very much!

She uttered what sounded very weird to me “I could not find a friend like you! I met so many people, all the same! But I could not find a person to take your place, strange fact is the place is stil very much there”

I could not say much because this had left me speechless and I ended saying “ohh that’s sweet! I love how you still cherish the bond we had! But you know, you’ll meet god knows how many people ahead in your life so don’t worry! You’ll meet better one’s! wait for the right time! “

She and I both knew that this was not the answer she was expecting infact she and I both knew what I should have said, I should have told her that I was still the friend I had once been and I was all back to fill that void again , but I could not cuz this was not true

As sad as it felt , life is soo funny! We meet people at different stages and different points in our life , and it’s so unfair , how we evolve, progress and advance, become completely something else. Now I was something else!

The bffs of one time remain bffs 10 years later! Highly unlikely![ a few lucky ones I’d say]

Priorities change, circumstances change, ideology changes people  change and time changes!

Who we once knew in and out surprises us now!

Its life! Change is life!

Nothing is forever! Not time! Not happiness! Not gloom! Not luck! And not relationships!

Until and uptill now i have been broadly philosophical about it but sooner or later we all ought to realize it

I felt an uneasiness , maybe I was revealing too much , considering the sensitivity of the situation the conversations were too out there.

It broke out with her asking me for the movie whose trailer we had been laughing about. It was late, my phone was bursting with texts and calls from a friend I had to meet in an hour! As much as I wanted to I could not stay!

She said “there’s the baskin robbins and we’ll buy your favourite bubble gum flavour ice-cream, just like old times”

Just like old times! Sounded tempting but somehow I knew that was not the place I had to be at the time!call it my sixth sense, but as intuitive as I am I somehow managed to say “i..i cant.. I got someplace to be at in an hour”

“Sorry! Maybe some other time!”

She did not say much, she nodded and said “yea sure, why not! Another 20 days of summer vacations left! Why the hell not! “

Smiling , and reminding each other of the inside jokes we used to laugh our asses out at! We reached the gate of the mall!

Hugging one more time! She said “got your number, now let the calls begin,,”

Laughing I turned around and said “keep in touch! “

In blue funk, I did not turn ,and got in the car , maybe so did she!

KEEP IN TOUCH!! Keep in touch!! Wow!  Formalities!

The replay of this episode took place in my mind a billion times! Left an impact intense enough for me to pour it down on my blog because I did not know who to share it with!

I don’t know how often we will meet, probably a lot! Things like facebook, gtalk, whatsapp and bbm its hard to get disconnected with people you know! But, somewhere deep I doubt if I will be able to be the girl I used to be for her or wil she be able to be the one I can get up, close and personal with , now, the person that I had become!

Even if you try to join a broken thread back it leaves a clot! And true that! This clot will always be there! The memories of the time we had been together , what we had meant to each other won’t allow us to be just casual friends now!

It’s sad but true! Life is funny! But I hope I am always there for her whenever she needs me, considering it as a silent ode to the bond we once had! A toast to the memories we created together, that will stay with us forever till time! A regard for the love we had! And let’s just say for old time’s sake! 

A search for life

An earnest endeavor

A cheerful voice so Agile

A warm demeanour

A genuine smile

It’s a Search for life

An affectionate face

A carefree dance

A protective embrace

A lucky chance

It’s a search for life

 A Goodbye that doesn’t hurt

A proud pat on the back

A stray mind that reverts

Doing charity for knack

It’s a search for life

An unconditional act of love              

 mind with an appetite to just learn

no charades like hands in a pretty glove

clean money and hard earned

it’s a search for life

hilarity that doesn’t build on someone

a pain for the smile of somebody deserving

a cry for the care of somebody who’s a no-one

a memory in the heart worth preserving

it’s a search for life

sin that leads to a noble cause

an intellect that breeds a million ingenious thoughts

an idea that’s worth a crowd’s applause

a favour not burdened but rather bought

it’s a search for life

a scream of happiness in intense pain

the right person at the right place

an unselfish rightful gain

deep love for a scarred face

it’s a search for life

Disciple of the values and not the name of the tradition

Look closely there are shades of white

No abuse of the sanctity of Ambition

Unveiling bitter truth hiding in plain sight

It’s a search for life

mind’s rocketing sky high yet feet on the ground

serenity of a blessing in disguise

creativity in compassion that knows no bounds

when vendetta doesn’t follow an unfair chastise

it’s a search for life

 

courage to fight another’s war

an excuse to make somebody smile

pride in a valiant scar

beautiful moments dazzling the memory pile

it’s a search for life

life goes on and time flows us around like a sturdy tide,

a million discoveries and inventions, it’s such a rush,

in awe of those who are distances apart and forgetting those 

who have always been on our side,

digging deep and flying high trying to survive the constant push

sooner or later we realize all it’s all about living the moment,

And maybe that’s called life!

time won't let me go....