better luck next time!

How many times do you find yourself wondering “damn! I wanted that!” ,, well for my case let’s just say it happens more than often! :/ ….. it’s a common problem finding yourself surpassed and side-lined by someone way less deserving than you ! but sometimes it’s just like ,seriously! Ohh him/her too,,, sometimes this makes me wonder,, what makes me the least favourite :O :/ …… what makes me the last in the line for everything, literally!!  Mostly what do people do,, write and sob about it in there diaries,,or whatever! But has it ever been that you don’t want to talk about it,, I mean has this feeling of “not –being-good-enough”  been so strong and over whelming that you just wanted to continue like nothing really matters , I’ll get over it,,I don’t need to talk about it with anybody and I CERTAINLY don’t want to cry! But here’s the thing ….we all know IT MATTERS!! Its easy to read quotations and emotional mop-to-top stories but that’s maybe just a film or probably a book aiming to make tons of money by exploring[euphemistic word for OUTRIGHT EXPLOITATION ] this side of readers, in the real world that’s not how it works!! You lose something ,, and you HOPE to win some … there remains no assurance so as to whether you will!

You know I wonder of how people talk about the extraordinary personalities and what it would feel to be them, think about the people holding authoritative and important positions , what it would TAKE to be them, how EXTRAORDINARY!

But what I feel is, does anybody realise how difficult it is for an individual to be ORDINARY! What it feels like to be not-the headturner  and not the special one that everybody eagerly awaits at a party!

Amidst all of this your heart and mind keep exploring and fathoming what is it that you could be good at! I mean that’s what everybody says right,,,, EVERYBODY IS GOOD AT SOMETHING OR THE OTHER! You try your hand at a few, and for a change you work hard , DAMN HARD! And whether anybody really knows or not, but the blow that comes smashing down to your face dawning upon the realization on you that YOU WERENT GOOD ENOUGH”  and you knw wot they all say,, better luck next time,, i'm sure the next round is yours! And all that shit!

It’s only the one who has been there knows how heart-sinking it is! To work your day and night and put all your heart and soul into something and in the end watch somebody else grab it and walk away! It hurts only when you know that he/she did not deserve it! atleast not more than you did!

Recently I read a blog, about how its human nature to feel that “we don’t always get what we deserve” and the question that followed it "DO YOU WANT TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE" I mean if god-almighty started to give us our fair share of luck , happiness, success, joy and subsequently starting punishing us for our sins and deeds,

If there started a calculating machine  , recording all the good and evil we do, and eventually assigning us our fair share for the same!

That made me wonder,, would I rather be happier  that way or this way?

Contemplation , comprehension and thoughts followed this question !

I still don’t have an answer to it

But  it did make wonder,  some times we get less dan what we deserve and sometimes more

All This  disappointment , despair and discontent  renders us with 1 good thing that oddly enough also stands to be our strength for the next goal,  this thing is“HOPE” , a hope that there is some thing  better!!! bigger!! planned for us!

My moment is still ahead of me, I have yet to experience it!

This yanks my chain  of  aspirations, efforts, hard work and leads me to get to working my socks off , maybe this time for the better :) ;)

When I’m high!

I can be whatever I want when I’m high

Like riding high seas or rocking the desert dry

I can go touch the sky or just lie to the ground

Nothing matters and everything spins whizzing round

Life seems like a ride when I’m high

I can swing on the starry light from the sky

Can’t seem to care whether its true but I see so much delight

Pirouetting, comes the smile ditching all

Because the night never felt so much bright!

I babble all that I ever dreamt of having,

All those don’t matter who thought of this as perennial irksome brawling

With a flagrant attitude I’m a fan of myself

All ready for the world, I can’t get tired of being full of myself

Emancipated and feel the vanishing of my liabilities

Sobriety can’t bring the guilty pleasure of this variety

A beat-down of the ephemeral gloomy times to the uber luxury mode

Bidding adieu to servitude when I’m riding on this road

Ethereal beauty that sways in with the refreshing of my memory archive

I remember all times and all those who ever mattered, it’s like a memory dive

Amid the Cascading crusade of my emotions and conscience I smile and I cry

Life is small and being loved is rare, not anymore I would deny

How silly it it sounds that only when I’m high

I feel so full of life and know who’s an ally

I love so much but don’t know how to show

Yes I’m high, yet so close to myself though

Thinking if you…..

I sit on the bench at an old street at midnight
Thinking if you would come searching for meTake me by the hand,with a relieved face to have me back in your sight.I walk on the beach and stare at the vast sea
Thinking if you would appear and swim with me into the waterWith a smile,showing your heart, with me is in glee.I stare at the sky,just looking at the stars
Thinking if you would tell me that none shines brighter than the one’s in my eyesAnd that my eyes were the deepest by far.I stay quiet and soundless all day long,
Thinking if you would whisper in my ear that you loved me the mostand would always no matter who came along.I sit numb and lifeless round the clock,
Thinking if you touch me with your tender handsAnd bring me closer to your heart to make me know that it was mine as i made it lock

I wonder that, maybe i was too thin or too fat
Maybe i wasn’t pretty enough or maybe a million things i lack
Maybe i was too loud or too dumb
Maybe i was too gloomy or too paleAll that is true if you would say so , because i can believe in anything you say as i believe in you more than anything and that you know.
As i write this last letter and shed my last tear because this pain for so long i cannot bear
You left me in the sidewalk and told me to move on
Where exactly, did you want me to go
Because i have been searching and no place seems to be so

And all that i want you to know is my soul is too crippled to flow
And my heart is too wounded to love again
My blood is too cold to runAnd my breath is too short to go on
My eyes are now too low to be looked into and my smile  seems to be lost somewhere
My voice seems to be fallen and my scent too meak to be distinguishedSay that you hate me,or something bad
Say something funny or something nice 
tell me to get a life and be bit more brawn
but don’t say move on!!!

i close my eyes and remember the happy time,
thinking that you would come sit by my side and say that you missed mebecause i am the love of your life.